A love letter to my heart

It’s been almost five years since I’ve written a new blog post…and almost five years of writer’s block since then.

But that’s…gone. I’ve been doing the most incredible gateless writing exercises during my gorgeous weekly Quest for Love Academy sessions with Emily Pereira. Even though this container is ultimately about finding love, the writing is what ultimately sold me on joining.

Emily told me about how, prior to gateless writing, she wrote a bestselling book…and then went completely into writer’s block. I could relate after writing a well-received blog post in 2017 about my healing journey and my first successful article for Elephant Journal last year, with nothing but frustrating writer’s block in between.

Once Emily told me she completely cleared her writer’s block after gateless writing? I was sold.

Each week, we do a writing exercise to connect with ourselves based on the chakra we’re working with. For this week’s heart chakra exercise, we had to write a love letter to our heart as if it was our lover.

This article is that letter. After reading it, I realized it told the story of the next chapter of my healing journey so well, in a way I never would have written before gateless writing, that I felt called to share it as my first blog post since 2017.

Writing hasn’t been this easy since I was a teenage journalism major at University of Wisconsin-Madison. I’ve rediscovered my voice at a level it’s never risen to before. Before this point, I really struggled to tell the next chapter of my healing journey in a way that didn’t feel boring, linear or overly emotionalist.

This is that next chapter. Today felt like the perfect day to share my heart with yours again for the first time in years.

Hello, lover.

I’ve missed you.

I just realized how I’ve treated you my whole life like a real lover - with anxious avoidance.

Even when I’m with you, sometimes I’m afraid to really stay there with you, engaged.

I feel my throat tighten, my body tense. I decide it’s better to scan the room and leave instead of looking you in the eye and being as present with you as I am the balmy, early summer breeze caressing my skin.

It’s safe for that breeze to touch my body. But you? Oh, no, not at all. There’s nothing safe about connection with you.

Or is there?

Suddenly, I pause. A wave of white, sparkly heat washes over me.

It’s you. I feel your sweetness. Your joie de vivre.

You radiate up and out of my head, completely blinding me to all the BS inside of it.

The false narratives I’ve told myself about you, about love, about our relationship…I suddenly realize how unnecessary they are.

I’ve been afraid of you. So I told myself those stories.

But I see how much you love me, how you’re always there for me, quietly watching and supporting me in the background.

I see how I have nothing to worry about, that you’re always guiding me down the right path, even when it feels like the wrong path.

And I’m filled, suddenly, with gratitude and awe as I finally look at you through eyes stained with tears of joy and disbelief.

You’ve always been there for me. You always will be.

The love radiating from you pours into me, filling me up so deeply, I can barely stand.

I realize how much I’ve been avoiding you because I didn’t think I deserved to feel this much love.

But I do. And I am.

And all I have to do is stay connected to you.

To find the courage to remain open and trusting and believe that I’m worthy.

That’s it.

I didn’t realize how easy finding love would be until today.

I’ve known you my whole life, but I’ve never really looked at you or paid you the attention you deserve.

And now, suddenly, I’m acutely aware of how deeply intimate me are, how much in love we are, and I realize that I don’t need to go outside myself for love.

Because I have you.

And I know you’ll guide me to the perfect man for me who will reflect all of that love back to me.

But until then, can we date each other?

Because I’m really crushing on you hardcore right now.

Love,

Laura